Doc took me off the antidepressants last week, and I’m adjusting well. I started Wellbutrin after my dog died in February last year. It absolutely devastated me. I had never felt so lost, alone and without hope.
After the accident, my spinal fusion surgery was scheduled for the 10th of April, 2017. The next few years of my life were the hardest years I ever had to go through. I lost three different jobs, my music career, my business, my lover, and most of all, my physical ability to do so many of the things I used to do. Losing my sixteen year old Queensland Heeler in February in 2019 to old age was the absolute last straw. I simply couldn’t cope anymore. I felt like I had lost everything that defined who I was and I was sinking fast.
I finally spoke to my doctor who knew something was not right with me. I wasn’t myself. I was reserved, quiet and jaded. She suggested I go on Wellbutrin, a situational antidepressant. I was mortified, but agreed to try it and found it wasn’t that bad. I had little to no side effects other than simply feeling a bit better.
As an incredibly stubborn individual, it took me awhile to realize that God was in control the whole time. That what was happening to me was ordained and the Lord had plans to establish and restore me into a new creature with new skills, hopes and determinations. I am so blessed that He loves me and is a patient Father.
Depression can seek out of us the best parts. It can play dirty tricks on our minds and make us feel worthless and hopeless. It can take over anyone’s thoughts and emotions and usually preys on us in our weakest moments.
It is important to be aware of where you are mentally and emotionally. Spend time checking in with yourself to ask the tough questions. Am I coping well? Am I taking true care of myself? Do I need help?
Asking for help when I was depressed was the hardest thing I had ever done. This coming from an incredibly strong and vivacious woman, I had found myself at the lowest point I had ever been and I knew I needed help. I had also raised a daughter who suffered with Bipolar Disorder. I was feeling suicidal and displaced from the world I had created previous to the accident. Everything seemed upside down and I couldn’t see any end to the sadness I was feeling.
As a woman of Faith I tried to pray over things to make myself feel better, but it wasn’t working. I tried to walk in Faith, but my depression told me I had none. I tried to see light at the end of the tunnel but suicidal thoughts kept pulling me back into the darkness. I would lie awake at night and think terrible thoughts for hours! I came very close to the edge. I spoke to no one about it either until one day my kind doctor looked at me and said, “Are you really okay?”
I have spent the last year developing myself into a new creation with physical limits. I rebuilt my marketing business and a Ministry and Life Coaching Business. I have developed my character in God, by learning to walk in Faith and experience everyday Joy in the Lord. But it hasn’t come easily or without strife. I still live with severe chronic pain every day. I have to be careful not to push myself too hard and respect my physical limitations. I remind myself constantly that it’s a process and I have to be patient with myself when I am feeling down.
It’s good to know that Jesus is the most stable thing we can take in every morning; but sometimes we need more help. Don’t be afraid of getting help if you need it. Depression takes a lot of us down paths we never intended to go. But we don’t have to stay there forever. I was on depression medications for a little over a year and a half and I’m pressing forward from my situational depression into a lighter and brighter place. Even as a Christian, my Faith wasn’t the only answer to every problem. I needed medical and mental care, I thank God for giving me the strength to ask for it when I needed it. So I encourage anyone who is dealing with severe depression to get help. Asking for help is the hard part, it only gets easier after that.
If you need help, speak to your doctor or call someone. Talk to a friend or co-worker. Don’t let time pass, it only gets worse. Counseling can help and sometimes meds help too. I was prescribed Wellbutrin, a situational antidepressant that has almost no side effects going on or coming off of it. It gave me stability until my mind could stabalize itself.
Help is the best thing you can get while suffering from depression. No matter the reason, great or small, things pile up in this world. Find the best you to get through it and get help. It will be the smartest decision you ever make.
Also, keep praying and keep looking up. There is light at the end of the tunnel whether you can see it or not! God has a plan and will help you through. Sometimes though, you need to use all the tools in your tool belt.
God bless and thanks to all those who stood by me through this journey. I haven’t always been pleasurable to be around, but you showed me that I am important and the world wouldn’t be the same without me. So thanks for making that possible.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
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